Tidbits: News Submitted by Our Readers

One of the things that makes The Decatur Blur work is the faithful comments and submissions from our readers. Sometimes they pitch story ideas. Sometimes they share a different point of view. And sometimes they're downright pissed. But more than anything, they demonstrate one indisputable truth: It takes all kinds to make a community. Here's the latest:

Blur Reader Not Amused
Jokes about foreign accents are unacceptable, declared a Decatur Blur visitor last week. Whores, junkies, NIMBYs, city officials and drug store managers apparently remain fair game.










Emory Village Proponents
Hold Out for Slow Death
Fearing that evolution could lead to long-term viability, passionate members of the Druid Hills Civic Association have stepped up their fight to pretend the past four decades never happened. When informed of the village redevelopment scuffle, a long deceased Frederick Olmsted replied, "Jeeez. If I thought things should stay the same forever, that place would still be a damn forest."





Public/Private Partnership Helps
Expedite Inevitable Death of Tree
In a moving display of cooperation between public and private entities, a developer at 5th and Oakview together with Decatur's impotent residential tree ordinance have successfully expedited Mother Nature’s agonizingly slow aging process, shortening a signature tree's remaining years to as little as two. “When people work together,” said a spokesperson, “it's amazing what you can accomplish.”

Beacons of Hope: Lost Fishermen Find Salvation in New Lighting

Though the formal opening of Decatur’s downtown MARTA plaza is still weeks away, its recently installed decorative lighting has already made a dramatic impact, providing guidance and, ultimately, salvation to a boat full of Taiwanese fishermen lost at sea for 18 days and presumed dead.

“Oh rucky day!” exclaimed crew chief Long Duc Tran. “Those beautiful rights. So big. So blight. They bling us home!”



Undoing the mistakes of the plaza’s original design, conceived at a time when architects drew their inspiration from the movie “Logan’s Run” rather than from civic spaces that people actually enjoy being in, the current six million dollar overhaul has, in large part, been an effort to draw people back to the square. However, from how far away has always been a matter of conjecture.

Until now.

“No one could have suspected just how effective these magnificent lights would be,” beamed Mayor Floyd. “Welcome, fishermen. We’re proud to have you!”

Noting that Taiwan was "the good China,” the Mayor extended the men a heartfelt invitation to stay and make a new life here, though he conceded that there were probably few fishing opportunities to sustain their livelihoods.

“Still,” he continued, “I guarantee you could do quite well for yourselves in landscaping.”

Thieves and Miscreants Decry “Genocide”

Calling it “nothing short of class warfare,” a broad coalition of junkies, vandals, smack-heads, thieves, ten dollar whores, wife beaters, gang bangers, dope fiends and a colorful array of the criminally insane decried today the closing of Decatur’s Relax Inn, a long-cherished haven for their community.

“Decatur wants us out,” said a spokesperson known only as ‘Chalky’. “For a city that prides itself on inclusion, this is just flat out intolerance of the highest order.”

Not so, says the city, pointing out that pending redevelopment is just a sign of the times -- an increasingly valuable piece of property and a developer looking to take advantage of it.

“That’s a prime piece of downtown real estate,” noted the city’s economic development director. “I’m not sure that laying low, hawking rim jobs for pocket change, dancing with Mr. Brownstone or riding the white horse represents its highest and best use.”



There’s no debating that the infamous Inn has had its share of challenges, beginning with its original name, The Relapse Inn. Yet despite them, it's still managed to engender a certain fondness on the part of those who despise it – a phenomenon chronicled in the pages of the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

Now the question remains: Where are Decatur’s fringe elements going to gather in the future? Will those on the lam have a place to rest their weary heads?

“Consider the loss,” continued Chalky. “No longer will residents have a convenient outlet to participate, for a very competitive price, in certain physical activities that their spouse may be unwilling to oblige. Not to mention having a place to score. Or to kick.”

Further confirming that the Inn’s closing and imminent destruction are a done deal, Mr. Chalky indicated that the group had looked into filing the necessary petitions to be treated as a protected class under anti-discriminatory statutes, but had decided against it. “That would mean dealin' with the man,” he clarified, “and most of our membership would like to avoid that if possible.”

“Where are those ladies who locked arms to save the Old Courthouse?” he asked wearily. “We sure could use ‘em.”

City Introduces 'Decatur 401' Graduate-Level Civics Program

By almost every measure, Decatur’s “Decatur 101” city government civics class has been a tremendous success. Consistently popular and engaging, it routinely fills to capacity and even generates a waiting list of interested attendees.

Its performance statistics are not in dispute. But today, as it enters its eighth year, there’s finally sufficient historical perspective to also consider the depth of its legacy. What, it begs to be asked, have participants really learned?

The answer? Just enough to be dangerous.

“Dear God,” commented the city’s typically positive mayor, “now we’ve got a town full of experts with nothing better to do than tell us how to do our jobs.”



Reports are rampant of Decatur 101 graduates who now spend their days in a series of phone calls to City Hall, offering everything from suggestions for improvement to crime theories to a detailed plan for replacing the city’s commissioner-manager governing system with one based on the communal bonding properties of weed.

“Now they know who to call,” continued the city manager. “I swear, if I get one more complaint that some neighbor’s lawn needs cutting, I’m going to slit my throat.”

In response, the city has unveiled “Decatur 401,” a graduate-level continuation of the program, in hopes it will not only give 101 graduates something to occupy their time but, more importantly, might succeed in giving them something “to really cry about.”

For example, 401 registrants won’t just tour the police station. They’ll raid crack houses with guns drawn, serve as attack dummies in K-9 training exercises, and conduct cavity searches.

“You want a taste of city government?” chuckled the city’s police chief. “Oh, I can’t wait.”

To experience the joys of local leadership, students will participate in mock elections where they’ll be required to campaign for the role – such as Father – they play within their own homes. Should they fail to secure sufficient votes from their families, they’ll be forcibly removed and replaced with a new Dad the city calls “Ted.”

Where they’ll end up is anyone’s guess.

The “Decatur 401” program, which is being promoted with the tagline “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”, begins in March. Interested citizens will need to provide proof of adequate health and sign a liability waiver. Inquiries can be made here.

DBA Announces “Most Fuckable” Window Display Promotion

Banking on the success of its yearly Terrific Thursdays holiday promotion, the Decatur Business Association recently unveiled what promises to be an equally popular, annual event: Most Fuckable Window Display.

“We’ve taken our downtown shopping experience to the next level,” declared the organization in a prepared statement, “gauging window displays not just for their level of excitement, but for the, uhhh, level of excitement observed in passing window-shoppers.”



Providing a much-needed alternative to mall shopping, where store windows typically focus on lifestyle and seasonal promotions with heavy-handed deference to national brand images, Decatur’s downtown retailers will put their focus on what may be the greatest, and yet rarely acknowledged, driver of retail sales: fuckability.

Of course, not every downtown merchant shares the excitement, fearing women’s apparel shops, especially those featuring contemporary, sexy fashions, will possess an unfair advantage over less provocative merchandising.

“Consider this,” said one storeowner, requesting anonymity. “A lot of people are very enthusiastic about yarn, but would never think of it as ‘fuckable.’ At least not most of them, anyway.”

Decatur NIMBYs Set Sights on Cemetery

As condo development in Downtown Decatur proves, to the surprise of many, to make a positive contribution to the city’s vitality and local economy, increasingly impotent anti-density activists have now refocused their underutilized concern on a new target: Decatur Cemetery.

“It’s Decatur’s dirty little secret,” said Terry Applebaum, president of local activist group Citizens United Against Other Citizens Nearby, “and it’s been buried for too long.”



This latest NIMBY mobilization falls on the heels of the recent Howard @ Hillyer debacle, where bumbling yokels not only failed to prevent dense development within the downtown core, they effectively stripped the project of the very elements – such as neighborhood-focused retail – that make such densities desirable.

Smarting from their inability to invent a time machine or quantum-powered freeze ray allowing them to deny the inevitability of change, the group is proceeding cautiously into this new fight, remaining hopeful that the deceased will prove to be a less formidable opponent.

At issue now is the perception that Decatur Cemetery residents receive unfair advantages not afforded to others, and that their increasing numbers are a budgetary liability.

“The deceased are the worst population segment there is,” continued Applebaum. “They’re worse than people having children and expecting us to educate them. They bask in pristine surroundings, receiving round-the-clock security and comprehensive landscape maintenance, all on the public’s nickel, and yet they contribute nothing to the local tax digest.”

Still, the group is quick to point out that, rather than being judgmental, they’re simply being practical. “We’re not opposed to the dead, per se,” stresses Applebaum, “just to their dead weight. It’s time the life-deprived started paying their own way.”

Proposals for how this might be accomplished, however, have yet to be forthcoming.

Insiders speculate this may be due to differing opinions within the organization, where some advocate a no-death approach while other, more progressive, members generally favor slow-death.

Meanwhile, with open land still available within the cemetery’s 71 acres, the city’s interred population will undoubtedly continue to rise. A fact that has surrounding neighbors fuming.

“With more than a hundred to the acre in there, it’s like they’re living right on top of each other,” said nearby resident Jill Patterson. “Of course, ‘living’ is probably the wrong word, but you get the idea.”