City Introduces 'Decatur 401' Graduate-Level Civics Program

By almost every measure, Decatur’s “Decatur 101” city government civics class has been a tremendous success. Consistently popular and engaging, it routinely fills to capacity and even generates a waiting list of interested attendees.

Its performance statistics are not in dispute. But today, as it enters its eighth year, there’s finally sufficient historical perspective to also consider the depth of its legacy. What, it begs to be asked, have participants really learned?

The answer? Just enough to be dangerous.

“Dear God,” commented the city’s typically positive mayor, “now we’ve got a town full of experts with nothing better to do than tell us how to do our jobs.”



Reports are rampant of Decatur 101 graduates who now spend their days in a series of phone calls to City Hall, offering everything from suggestions for improvement to crime theories to a detailed plan for replacing the city’s commissioner-manager governing system with one based on the communal bonding properties of weed.

“Now they know who to call,” continued the city manager. “I swear, if I get one more complaint that some neighbor’s lawn needs cutting, I’m going to slit my throat.”

In response, the city has unveiled “Decatur 401,” a graduate-level continuation of the program, in hopes it will not only give 101 graduates something to occupy their time but, more importantly, might succeed in giving them something “to really cry about.”

For example, 401 registrants won’t just tour the police station. They’ll raid crack houses with guns drawn, serve as attack dummies in K-9 training exercises, and conduct cavity searches.

“You want a taste of city government?” chuckled the city’s police chief. “Oh, I can’t wait.”

To experience the joys of local leadership, students will participate in mock elections where they’ll be required to campaign for the role – such as Father – they play within their own homes. Should they fail to secure sufficient votes from their families, they’ll be forcibly removed and replaced with a new Dad the city calls “Ted.”

Where they’ll end up is anyone’s guess.

The “Decatur 401” program, which is being promoted with the tagline “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”, begins in March. Interested citizens will need to provide proof of adequate health and sign a liability waiver. Inquiries can be made here.