Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Decatur NIMBYs Set Sights on Cemetery

As condo development in Downtown Decatur proves, to the surprise of many, to make a positive contribution to the city’s vitality and local economy, increasingly impotent anti-density activists have now refocused their underutilized concern on a new target: Decatur Cemetery.

“It’s Decatur’s dirty little secret,” said Terry Applebaum, president of local activist group Citizens United Against Other Citizens Nearby, “and it’s been buried for too long.”



This latest NIMBY mobilization falls on the heels of the recent Howard @ Hillyer debacle, where bumbling yokels not only failed to prevent dense development within the downtown core, they effectively stripped the project of the very elements – such as neighborhood-focused retail – that make such densities desirable.

Smarting from their inability to invent a time machine or quantum-powered freeze ray allowing them to deny the inevitability of change, the group is proceeding cautiously into this new fight, remaining hopeful that the deceased will prove to be a less formidable opponent.

At issue now is the perception that Decatur Cemetery residents receive unfair advantages not afforded to others, and that their increasing numbers are a budgetary liability.

“The deceased are the worst population segment there is,” continued Applebaum. “They’re worse than people having children and expecting us to educate them. They bask in pristine surroundings, receiving round-the-clock security and comprehensive landscape maintenance, all on the public’s nickel, and yet they contribute nothing to the local tax digest.”

Still, the group is quick to point out that, rather than being judgmental, they’re simply being practical. “We’re not opposed to the dead, per se,” stresses Applebaum, “just to their dead weight. It’s time the life-deprived started paying their own way.”

Proposals for how this might be accomplished, however, have yet to be forthcoming.

Insiders speculate this may be due to differing opinions within the organization, where some advocate a no-death approach while other, more progressive, members generally favor slow-death.

Meanwhile, with open land still available within the cemetery’s 71 acres, the city’s interred population will undoubtedly continue to rise. A fact that has surrounding neighbors fuming.

“With more than a hundred to the acre in there, it’s like they’re living right on top of each other,” said nearby resident Jill Patterson. “Of course, ‘living’ is probably the wrong word, but you get the idea.”

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Howdy... future topic for ya... how about Bruce's property in Oakhurt Village. Now there's someone that is sparing us Oakhurst residents of being burdened with a change from 3rd world living. Thanks goodness for folks like Bruce.

Samantha said...

Come on now! Bruce is my very favorite slum lord!

Blurmeister General, our esteemed publisher said...

Who's this Bruce? Sounds like a potential recipient of a Blurry, our prestigious annual citizen awards.

Samantha said...

We're refering to Bruce Cohen of Vision Properties. I think he should most assuredly be nominated for the Blurry.

(In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit to having done a very small bit of personal residential architectural work outside of Decatur for Bruce...)

Andisheh Nouraee said...

Citzens United Against Other Citizens Nearby. I love that.

Anonymous said...

Honorable Blurmeister...
I would like to make a motion that Bruce Cohen be nominated for a Blurry Award. If there is one for lifetime achievement in selfish, money-grubbing and boorish behavior, that would be the most appropriate. We could have Elizabeth ...oops...Her Grand Duchess
Honor Mayor Emeritus Holy Saint unto Which Decatur Most Always Be Beholden and Genuflect When She has a Thought to Put Forth

Wilson...reach down from her throne above and present it to La Bruce.

Anonymous said...

Bruce Cohen is everything people say he is, a greedy slumlord who is confrontational with everyone he meets. He is single hand-idly keeping Oakhurst from reaching it's full potential. Truly one of my least favorite people, It's even a joke at local banks, government and business owners how much Bruce Cohen SUCKS!!!!