Friday, December 08, 2006

Clusterfuck! Howard Be Thy Name.

Ask anyone to explain traffic flow in the area directly across South McDonough from Decatur High School and their response will likely range from a dull stupor to a profound sense of befuddlement. In this installment of “Your City Speaks!,” we wrangle up some answers, beginning with what lead to two adjacent one-way streets heading in the same direction.



“It’s not a mystery,” says the city’s Deputy Manager. “The sign on East Maple Street says ‘One Way’ and it flows west. When we decided to make Howard Avenue one-way as well, our hands were tied. You can’t have a second way. It’s one way, and that way is west.”

As a result, and however redundant it might seem, it's now no longer possible to drive around the block when accessing local addresses.

“We found that if we configured our streets to ensure local traffic was forced up an extra block onto Trinity, not only could we make simple endeavors unnecessarily complicated but we’d increase congestion on an already burdened thoroughfare to boot. We even managed to devalue the commercial property along that stretch of Church by making access virtually impossible. It’s just an all around win.”

Perhaps most perplexing is why Howard (or East Maple, for that matter) became one-way to begin with. Even with the new PATH in place, the street remains wide enough for two 11’ travel lanes, one in each direction. Since the city has made no effort to designate and encourage on-street parking, the logical inference is that a single 22’ lane was intentional.

“That’s right,” continued the official. “The adjacent PATH is all about recreation. And what’s the one thing that makes recreation more exciting? Risk. By increasing the street’s width – in essence, engineering for higher speeds – we ensure that biking or walking on the PATH is never dull. When you know a careening vehicle could veer off the road at any minute and flatten you in the midst of your cardio workout, that’s invigorating!”

The ultimate result has been a clusterfuck of such immense proportions that traffic engineers, community planners, gawkers, looky-loos and eccentrics fixated on the very least of human achievement have descended upon the town to experience it first hand.

“See,” concluded the city official, “even tourism’s up. No need to thank me, though. That’s just city government in action. Happy motoring!”

Friday, February 17, 2006

Oakhurst Victory: Commercial Strip’s New Owner
Vows to Maintain Shitty Character

Residents surrounding the intersection of Mead Road and West College Avenue breathed a collective sigh of relief recently upon learning that the new owners of the commercial strip there have made clear their intention to respect the longstanding neighborhood icon by faithfully maintaining — even furthering — its shitty character.



The strip’s fate became a hot button issue about two years ago when an outside development group attempted to purchase the property with the intention of rehabbing it and returning it to active use. Going so far as to circulate a questionnaire to the surrounding community soliciting their thoughts on what type of businesses they wanted to see, the prospective buyers brazenly suggested the possibility of a restaurant or drug store as the primary anchor.

Thankfully, through a well-coordinated defense on the part of the city (who insisted on quibbling over the inclusion of three additional parking spaces) and the immediately adjacent neighbors (who raised a litany of their own self-serving concerns) the buyers came to realize just what a special place this shit-laden, decaying eyesore has come to occupy in the hearts of Oakhurst residents. Wisely, they abruptly withdrew their offer.

Celebration was short-lived, however, as the strip’s ownership eventually changed hands nonetheless. Would the new owners attempt some sort of “improvements” which would undermine the third world ghetto sensibilities that give the property its unique character?

Thankfully, the answer has emerged as a clear and unequivocal “no.”

“Rest easy, Oakhurst,” said one of the new owners. “You have our solemn promise that this property will remain in grievous disrepair so long as we have any say about it.”

“Thank God,” said Kerry Porter, a neighboring mother of two who has expressed “concerns” throughout the process. “Change is something we can do without. That abandoned, rat-infested shit hole has become comfortably predictable as it quietly rots its way into oblivion. I’d hate to see someone come in and destroy that.”

"Just look at what happened down in Oakhurst Village," she added. "Back when it was all boarded up, it was so quiet and peaceful. Now, with all the neighborhood businesses and gathering spots, there's constant activity. It's a real shame."

True to their promise, the new owners have already begun a series of initiatives designed to further the property’s unique appeal. For example, in digging out some underground fuel tanks, they took the task of follow-through work seriously.

“Anyone could have applied great care to filling the holes, sealing them and restoring the curb and sidewalk around the corner,” noted one of the owners. “We simply dumped a bunch of rocks in them and were done with it.”

“That’s the level of detail,” he added, “that you can be sure to expect moving forward.”