Thieves and Miscreants Decry “Genocide”

Calling it “nothing short of class warfare,” a broad coalition of junkies, vandals, smack-heads, thieves, ten dollar whores, wife beaters, gang bangers, dope fiends and a colorful array of the criminally insane decried today the closing of Decatur’s Relax Inn, a long-cherished haven for their community.

“Decatur wants us out,” said a spokesperson known only as ‘Chalky’. “For a city that prides itself on inclusion, this is just flat out intolerance of the highest order.”

Not so, says the city, pointing out that pending redevelopment is just a sign of the times -- an increasingly valuable piece of property and a developer looking to take advantage of it.

“That’s a prime piece of downtown real estate,” noted the city’s economic development director. “I’m not sure that laying low, hawking rim jobs for pocket change, dancing with Mr. Brownstone or riding the white horse represents its highest and best use.”



There’s no debating that the infamous Inn has had its share of challenges, beginning with its original name, The Relapse Inn. Yet despite them, it's still managed to engender a certain fondness on the part of those who despise it – a phenomenon chronicled in the pages of the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

Now the question remains: Where are Decatur’s fringe elements going to gather in the future? Will those on the lam have a place to rest their weary heads?

“Consider the loss,” continued Chalky. “No longer will residents have a convenient outlet to participate, for a very competitive price, in certain physical activities that their spouse may be unwilling to oblige. Not to mention having a place to score. Or to kick.”

Further confirming that the Inn’s closing and imminent destruction are a done deal, Mr. Chalky indicated that the group had looked into filing the necessary petitions to be treated as a protected class under anti-discriminatory statutes, but had decided against it. “That would mean dealin' with the man,” he clarified, “and most of our membership would like to avoid that if possible.”

“Where are those ladies who locked arms to save the Old Courthouse?” he asked wearily. “We sure could use ‘em.”