Anthill Rallies Against Proposed Development at East Howard and Hillyer Street

Though it involves property that has been zoned commercial for nearly 40 years and adheres rigidly to the Decatur Master Plan [a collaborative work of hundreds of citizens investing countless hours of their own time over the span of two decades], George Rohrig’s proposed Hillyer Street mixed-use development has come under fire recently by the insect residents of an adjacent anthill.

“We’ve had it,” said Mr. Ant, spokes-ant for the group. “We’ve been walked on long enough.”



At issue is the project’s proposed height of 80 feet. Though consistent with the property’s zoning, anthill residents feel strongly that it constitutes an inappropriate stature for adjacent development — not an unpopular sentiment. In fact, the controversy has been further intensified by similar discontent from the human residents of the nearby Old Decatur Depot Neighborhood, who have initiated a protest campaign of their own.

Asked if he felt the ants’ cause would be furthered by surrounding homeowners joining the fray, Mr. Ant was blunt. “Frankly,” he grumbled, “they’re undermining our efforts. I mean, 80 feet. What is that, maybe three times the height of your average house? Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a river. I’m talking about a proposed structure over 15,000 times taller than your average ant. I ask you, who’s got the legitimate complaint here?”

So far, Rohrig has failed to sit down with the ants to hear their grievances. “I wouldn’t know what to say or, more specifically, how to say it,” he offered. “Don’t they speak via telepathy or with high pitched squeals of some kind?”

Ultimately, such a meeting may not come to pass. “I doubt they’ll be taken seriously,” said a city official who has refused to broker a meeting. “You have to remember, regardless of their place of residence, these members of the insect kingdom don’t qualify as citizens.”

“Typical,” said Ant, when asked for comment. “Just typical.”

Local CVS Drug Store Proudly Refuses to Stock Decatur Blue Trash Bags

While many of Decatur’s local retailers make genuine though, perhaps, unsophisticated efforts to meet the needs of area customers, drug store giant CVS continued today in its proud refusal to stock Decatur’s mandatory blue trash bags.



“Anyone can carry them,” explained store manager Ted Patel. “We distinguish ourselves by *not* carrying them. We’re a national chain. We diminish our brand by concerning ourselves with the inconsequential needs of local patrons. We’ve got a promise to live up to, and that promise is that CVS will do whatever it takes to remove as much money as possible from your community and subsequently transfer it to our corporate headquarters in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.”

“Besides,” continued Patel, “at least we’re honest about it. Try buying Decatur bags at [local business] Smith Ace Hardware. How many times do you need someone to tell you ‘we’re out of them’ before you realize they’re just giving you the same blow-off we are? They just refuse to admit it.”

Many fail to accept that Smith Hardware’s complete ineptitude in managing inventory is sufficient to offset the monumental corporate hubris of CVS.

“Smith’s been telling people things are out of stock long before CVS ever showed up,” said local shopper Edna Pastor, “and they’ll be doing it long after they’re gone. That’s what’s beautiful about local businesses. You can count on them.”